So on Sunday Pastor Ming unveiled the new leadership mentoring and selection structure for TTB.

And most importantly for me, she announced the removal of the age-limit for serving in TTB.

I thought this day would never come but it did. And it did enough to stir me from my blogging ennui.

Even though this will be not a substantial post, I must express my bittersweetness.

It is a good thing that the leadership is finally doing something about TTB, however this could have been done a whole lot earlier. It took a whole generation of alienated TTB youths to effect change.

Nevertheless, progress is progress and I am proud that I survived to see this day.

10 years of waiting, whining, praying, crying and fighting all for this day.

It was a bit underwhelming; the circumstances of the announcement. In my dreams I imagined fireworks and other things. But I will take it thank you very much.

Hope springs eternal indeed.

I need to embark on an epic adventure.

No, I need to create my own epic adventure.

Maybe I need to join someone on an epic adventure.

Or perhaps I should just forget about it.

The blame game is hard to play.

Somedays I blame my parents.

Somedays I blame myself.

Somedays i blame the system.

Somedays I blame my environment,.

And then I blame myself again.

I never really blame God.

But somedays I don't believe in God.

Somedays I'm scared to admit it.

Most days I reveal my doubts and insecurities.

I fight all the time, don't you?

To not fight is to let go of yourself completely.

It is akin to sinking into the depths of despair without even knowing it.

Like a drug overdose, it always starts with no obvious symptoms.

But in the end it ends in pain.

So I fight for my own happiness.

I fight to change the world.

Now I realise I don't need an epic adventure.

Because I am an epic adventure.


Seth

Two goldfish were in their fishbowl.

One goldfish said to the other "I want to have no limits in life!"

Just then, a strong gust of wind caused the fishbowl to fall off the table onto the floor. The fishbowl broke into a thousand pieces and at the very moment, the goldfish got its wish.

Some choice in life is good for us. But all of us need a fishbowl, and like the goldfish, we sometimes don't know that it's only the environment in our fishbowl that is keeping us alive.

Seth

I would lie if I said it doesn't hurt. I'm a fighter but it's tough to fight so many battles all at once. To win against the odds is always a motivating factor for me to try but how can I keep trying if you don't want to? I know you're scared. You're scared I will leave and you will be left hanging. However you must realise that is only a possibility whereas I am definitely left hanging while I am still here. It is all voluntary on my part though so I don't blame you. I just want you to see things from my perspective.

Sometimes I think some parents feel the same way about their kids. They know stuff is happening with them but they don't know enough to help. They don't want to judge but they can't help but do so when their kids wouldn't tell them exactly what's happening. Then they are acccused of being pushy/naggy/irritating etc. And it hurts them somewhat when they love their kids wholeheartedly and would do anything to help them; yet they would rather trust someone else who doesn't care as much.

On a different note,

Met Leroy yesterday finally! I told myself I would try to keep flashbacks to a minimum. I think I was quite successful at keeping events current during our meeting. However towards the end it was tough to refrain from bringing up the past. I really think one can only purge past demons out of their system if they are confronted head-on.....together with the people who were invovled. It's simply no good to "move-on" when there are so many questions still hanging in the air.

Till yesterday I would have myself believe I am now a well-balanced individual who has risen from the ashes from the past. The truth is deep inside I still feel unjustly hard done by. The imperfection of being human seems to have more severe consequences on me than on the others involved.

I talked to Leroy about an absolute morality. And I believe in that. It doesn't mean I don't make mistakes; it simply means I believe we must judge by objective standards and make decisions baed on personal preference when it comes to matters that are meant for the greater good. In this context, "loyalty" is only a euphemism for protection. But if you have no hidden agenda, why would you fear being stabbed in the back?

I believe that an absolute point should have mutiple roads leading to it. There is no one perfect way of getting a job done. If evaluation and justification have been done, thereby ascertaining the intentions and feasibility of one's actions, any negative way of dealing or curbing with an anamoly should be considered biased and prejudiced. I do despise at times we exist in a system where the slighted and the marginalised are considered not worth investing in.

Ultimately we fail as a result of our own devices. We have understanding yet fail to act rightly when the time comes, often focusing on style and neglecting substance; performing an action yet not interested in fully grasping the depth of its meaning. To be fair, society as a whole is pretty much guilty all that. I do wonder sometimes if it is right to expect my leaders to be accountable to that same standard and still accord them respect and submission based on a higher standard.

I would love for someone to come alongside me  and give me encouragement from time to time. As the years past, I fear to ask of this at the same frequency as I did years before. It is easier to believe and hope than to try and fail. 

The wisdom in it all is that to believe and hope IS, often, to try and fail. Because hope is infinite and cannot be curbed, only rejected when we ecounter failure from the actions we pursue based on our beliefs. And because hope is everlasting, we are able to pick ourselves up, every single piece, even adding to ourselves from experience, before trying and failing again. 

Until we succeed. 

Now, that is truly worth looking FORWARD to.

Seth 

I had wanted to post something on Chelsea winning the Premier League but the stats tables I were uploading to this post proved too graphic intensive to be put up efficiently. So no analysis from me on this matter.

Recently I archived two theories of life I like very much: The Lalang theory and the Roller Coaster theory. I truly dislike typing so I'm not going to elaborate here what these 2 theories entail. If anyone wants to know I will tell them if they ask.

I bought myself and my mum a netbook each on Tuesday. I am finally able to use the computer at home =)) That may not mean much to most of you but YOU TRY TO GO ONE MONTH WITHOUT YOUR COM. Then we see how la. By the way I went without one for 3 months at least.

There is this pretty good perspective on life I heard recently. A worthy life is a life spent making others worthy. I think so too =)

Seth

Ok, so I've made a list of new and updated commitments for the 2nd half of this year. Some of them have been written on a piece of Mahjong paper blutacked to my wall, some are still being processed before being put down on paper. Maybe I'll post them here soon to remind myself of what I had written in the event my house gets engulfed in flames.

I went to Krabi recently and while it was boring, I learnt/was reminded of a few things; one of which is that we like to have unreasonable expectations of others while cutting ourselves far too much slack. My boss and I were having a chat over breakfast at the hotel when he challenged me to imcrease my production. One of the other top agents who was with us, Simon, then suggested that if my boss manages to stop smoking, all his agents will be motivated to increase their production by ten-fold.

It sounded like a great idea to me. On one hand, my boss could (finally) stop smoking, on the other hand, I would be motivated in a way no monetary incentive could make me. The point is, if my boss really stopped smoking after chain-smoking for 20 years, it would be a truly inspirational story. And hey, everyone likes an inspirational story, especially me.

One of the other managers, Alice, was sitting nearby and heard the conversation. To cut a really long story short, she felt it was unfair for me to issue a work-related challenge that involved a personal-life stake. We went back and forth arguing our points until I realised that there is no point in doing so. While I did not agree with everythign she said, I did concede that we often give up our goals way too easily. We make excuses for ourselves when we don't succeed.

Yea that's it for now. Shall update again soon. One of my commitements is to update my blog twice a week =)

Seth

So things could be looking up. I've been ina mini state of confusion recently. I think that's what talking to too many people at different times does to you.

I realise my year-end endeavour would require me to close approximately 40 cases more this year. That's about 5 a month. That's more than one a week.

There were so many things i wanted to type here but suddenly I find myself lost for words. This isn't the first time. It is terribly annoying. Which is why i much prefer talking to typing. Simply because I can think so much faster if I'm already articulating something.

Ah whatever la.

Oh, I was pleasantly surprised to bump into you today. I was just thinking about you when it happened haha.

And yes, I believe in hope and I think you should too. Actually I think you believe in it, just that you don't know it.

Seth

 

You know your week has been filled with fun when you become super tired by Sunday. It's not the normal kinda tired. It's the mind-numbing kinda tired. So tired that you cannot think anymore. Like really cannot think straight. You start saying stupid things. You stop feeling tired yet can fall asleep once you close your eyes.

Wednesday was Lovely Bones, Friday Shutter Island and Saturday Mayday.

Methinks I sleep too little. I have this writer's block of sorts. I simply cannot pen down what I want to do for the sec one leaders' training =S

Oh yes, I'm also can forget my troubles and become happy(erish) when I'm spending time with you =)

Seth

Why are we often so troubled by stuff?

Especially our own stuff?

Especially when other people are suffering from much more serious stuff.

Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

It will never be God. I'm no longer surprised.

Just hopeful.

Seth